Every fall and every spring, my nose acts up. It's annoying...distorts my voice. But then I realize that people have to go their entire life with that nasally tone, like Alie Hansen.
And my relatives in Wisconsin. Hell, everyone in Wisconsin and Minnesota, really.
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Well, last week was my first week of my senior year of high school. It was more awkward than most first weeks, because we had to adjust to an eight-period schedule. No more hour and a half block schedule, with four classes a day. No more extra days to do homework. No more "Ugh, it's Monday...at least it's a Blue Day!" No more seven minutes to get to class (five minutes sure will keep us awake).
In all honesty, I don't dislike the new schedule plan as much as the teachers do...they HATE it.
It could be that I don't dislike it that much because I'll only have to do this for a year, but I don't know...
What strikes me the most is the atmosphere that my class has - and the attitude my TEACHERS have towards my class. Like it was spoken at the senior class meeting: "You made it! You're seniors! You know what we expect of you, help us out with the underclassmen. Now, get back to class."
When I was getting gas on Friday after school, I just leaned against my mini-van and thought...
When will the pride begin?
When will we start to BEGIN things, get everyone pumped up?
When will the epic-ness of the Class of 2008, 2009, and 2010 fade to our own epic-ness?
When will I feel like I have earned the right to be principle violist in the best orchestra in the school?
When will I feel like I can carry this "I'm a good student, I can do this" vibe up until the day I recieve my diploma?
When will I come home from Marching Band and feel like I have a place in the drumline...the drumline that I love, and the drumline I love being in?
When will I finally feel like a senior?
Yesterday...Saturday, August 14th...I applied to two of my four schools that I want to go to. I applied to Marian and DePauw.
Just doing that was very interesting. I found myself NOT being nervous or unsure, but rather excited and sort of stoked, really.
My mother was the one that was nervous. Thankfully she didn't hover over my shoulder while I applied online, but she was framing two posters nearby, ready to answer questions ("DePauw wants to know when you and Dad divorced...")(yeah, that was very strange)
And today was...ew. That sums it up. I felt my nose tingle and my throat was sore, meaning tomorrow my throat will be normal and my nose will be stuffed up. Probably for a week, if I take Benadryl.
I spent most of the morning/afternoon curled up on the sofa with a comforter, thinking about things.
I had a dream on Friday night that was vivid. And when my dreams are vivid, that means they mean something. This dream made me think, but I don't know the meaning behind it.
I wish my subconscious would tap into other issues in my life that need to be reinvestigated.
It's hard to describe, but I just had the feeling like I had to define myself and stand up for the way that I live my life, the way I love people, and the way that I want to live my life when I'm out of college and on my own with a real job and wanting to settle down with someone that actually wants to be with me forever, you know?
It felt like I needed to make decisions, and make statements, take a stand.
But instead of feeling full and triumphant, I felt feverish, sore, and like I needed to do grown-up tasks.
So I finished my AP Psychology notes for this week, and tried to not focus on how I felt whiny and half-assed.
It must be PMS. I think it is. So it's a good thing I disregarded all of that.
But I managed to NOT whine about it upon feeling it, so I guess that's an accomplishment. I talked with Andy for a couple of hours on Facebook, and that cheered me up a little. It always makes me feel good when he get ahold of me first.
Sometimes I feel like I interfere with his life when he doesn't need me, and that I'm just that odd 18-year-old that tells him the things that I think about late at night, that I am here for him, and exactly how I feel about whatever may be going on in either of our lives. Sometimes I wonder why he would want someone like me still around...when I am where I am in life. Will it be different next year, when I'm in college as well? Will we even talk to each other in a year, or three?
I wonder that for ALL of my friends.
I think I'm going to go have a psychic reading sometime soon, when I can go to the North Side. It's not like I'm really expecting them to give me all answers, but it'll give me some new insight. And there's nothing wrong with that.
I like looking at myself from the outside...from other people's voices. Whenever people randomly tell me exactly what they think of me, what they see in me or hear in my voice... I love it. Nothing like it in the world.
No, sir.
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