People have said that my writing is honest. I'd rather be honest than mince my words. But for this piece of work, I'm going to make myself be especially blatant. I don't care who sees this. I need to have my thoughts be heard.
I'm going to be unreachable for a week, soon. I might as well say all that I need to say before I go for another week to clean myself up and return (hopefully) better.
So here goes nothing.
--
“A guy and a girl can be just friends but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.”
-Dave Matthews
--
It is terrible, that quote. Because it's so true. And the truth hurts...is it because we're so used to lies or short-term promises?
It took me a very long time to realize that day on the canal...that day he said he misses...was not a promise or a prologue.
I have no idea what that day was, now. Until just recently, I made myself block that day from my memory. I remember lying in bed at night, trying not to remember any of it. It crept into my dreams, and I'd wake up sobbing.
The thing is...that day in itself wasn't a bad day. It was one of the happiest days I've ever had.
But what made it so painful was the fact that I knew it would never happen again.
But I made myself look honestly into my gut...and I recollected the past year or so.
I've liked guys other than him. I've wanted to date guys other than him. Genuinely - I remember the day I cried when one of them told me they thought long and hard about it, but..."I can't."
I can honestly tell you that I've liked each of my best guy friends at least once.
I can honestly tell you that all three of them have liked me back. They'd admit it if you asked them, too.
I can honestly tell you that they're my first and foremost my best friends no matter how crazy I get with my words and/or thoughts.
It makes me wonder, though.
Is it obvious to these other guys that I have that canal day in the back of my heart?
I remember telling them about him, bragging about him. Did they hear about him and think "My chances with her are over"?
Or do they think, "She still likes him"?
...do I, and I'm making myself not?
Whenever I'd get interested in another guy, I'd think to myself "I realize why he isn't dating me - it's all about availability and attainability."
And I'd understand. It oddly made it easier. It made me learn.
It makes me feel stupid, though, when I think about this. I am in no hurry at all to find someone that'll be there, put up with my little idiosyncrasies and maybe learn to love them, and let me be there for them through their uglyness as well as their triumphs.
I am patient. I wait things out.
I wonder if that makes me stupid.
I also wonder if my trait of giving people second chances and being there for them even after they've treated me like shit (but apologized and were genuinely sorry) is also stupid and I'm just setting myself up for bad patterns.
I don't know.
But can I really change that about myself?
Those traits make me beat myself up so much...I don't know. I like it that I see people through - I take pride in it. But at the same time, I realize that your strengths are also your weaknesses.
I present my friendship in a way hardly anybody does anymore.
I make gifts - handmade gifts that require some thought.
I find four-leaf clovers.
I write random things and send them to those that read what I write and hear me.
I love my friends unconditionally and hold them close.
It makes people automatically think "Oh, you like him"
Apparently people who are "just friends" don't put such love into their gifts or presence.
That expression in and of itself..."just friends"...sums it up.
People underestimate friendship. They think it's merely the best you can get after something greater than that was rejected.
What the hell is society coming to?
When are we going to be unafraid to be honest with people about the way we feel towards them?
Will we ever?
That's the day I hope to see. Especially with my own friends.
I'm not the average girl. So therefore, I'm not sought after.
But until someone proves me wrong, I couldn't care less.
I've come to treasure my three amazing gents.
(...for some reason, I almost called them The Three Musketeers. oh, my...)
Oh, and before you think "Oh, Chloe's an insecure, needy whinyass", I have to tell you something:
I am an insecure, needy whinyass because I've got my girl problems now. Yep - you know what I mean. I blow up at the drop of a hat.
This is what happens for a week every month.
Guys, for future reference...this all goes away in about a business week. You wake up one morning and you find yourself talking to the good ol', happy-go-lucky Chloe you know and love.
Just bear with me when I'm not good and happy-go-lucky. Please...bear with me.
But this is what was racing through my head tonight.
I know for a fact that it will not be racing through my head once I'm back to normal.
I don't care if this is honest or if this is purely emotion-driven. I'm guessing it's mostly emotion-driven because it's totally irrational.
However...love is irrational, right? And that isn't bad at all.
But I digest.
Don't take everything I say in this particular entry seriously.
But if I don't say anything that makes you NOT confused, here you go, in simple text:
I love my three gentlemen in their own ways.
We've gone on different journeys together.
I have liked them all at some point. Right now, I either don't like them or CAN'T.
I hope I never lose them. I hope we can overcome the impossible.
My hope...and my thoughts, feelings...are forever beyond me.
Sorry, dear readers. In the future, disregard this as much as you can.
I am a girl, for this week. Hear me roar.
No comments:
Post a Comment