October 20th? Really, almost a month since I wrote for this thing?
Holy Moses.
--
As of late, it feels like my life's being timed. Time by due dates, assignments FOR those due dates, and considering other obligations (like job hunting).
It makes me tired. I go home and fall asleep without saying goodnight.
--
I had my first college audition on November 5. I wasn't scared or anything, and I don't really know what else to say except that it went better than I thought it would go.
I thought about Mom, and how she kept on talking to me about how excited she was about me being accepted to Ball State. I didn't feel indifferent to the acceptance on purpose.
And I also heard her talk about DePauw. If they gave me a full ride, why don't I just go ahead and go there? And didn't I love it a lot when I went there sophomore year?
It's hard to explain.
Marian's my home. I remember thinking that on the very first day I went to the campus back in March. I remember feeling like I fit. I feel that way every time I go back. If it's money she's concerned about (and I don't care if it is...), then I'll live at home. I'll go home late at night and come back to school early in the morning, so it's not like I'd totally miss out on the college experience.
Do I want to live on campus? Yes, I'd rather do that, living on my own.
But hey. I'm willing to do anything in order to go to the school I want to go to.
--
Now for something completely different.
It's not karma, because it isn't biting me in the butt. But it's rather...a proverbial mirror. I'm now on the other side.
I remember every time Andy Sturm would like me but choose someone else in the end, and the hurt I would feel. The burn in my chest, the sick feeling in my stomach, the confusion buzzing around my head.
The tears. All the tears.
On November 12, I finally got to be in Andy Sturm's shoes.
At least, for this kind of situation.
And now I'd like to address one person.
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Caleb Tucker, I know you don't want me to say that I broke your heart. But I know I did, just a little bit. And over time, if you'll allow me, I want to help you heal that crack.
We both knew that Seth was going to ask me. And we both knew that I would say yes.
But I know you still felt sad despite your preparing for this. I felt sad for you, because I've been in your shoes before.
I've been where you are right now many times.
Do I not like where I am now? Of course not. I do. I don't regret saying yes and I'm not backing down from it.
But now I realize the desparation Andy Sturm felt every time this happened between him and me.
I hear the sincerity in the plea that he used to say to me, which I am saying to you now: I can't lose you.
You are important. And I recognize that I hold a place of high importance in your life, as well. Please don't think that you're going to take a backseat just because I have a boyfriend. I'm not that kind of friend, that kind of person.
I'm still here. Just as much as I always have been, and always will be.
--
Okay. So you've gathered that November 12 was a rather happy day not just for me or Seth, but for many of our friends. It's almost comical to see everyone elated at the news. What made me smile the most, I think, was when my friend Kirst simply said "Finally."
When I visited Mom and Mark the day after, Mark said to me, "So you're in love."
I paused and looked at him quizzically, not sure if he was joking or not. "Uhm...I don't think so..."
"You're in a relationship? You're not in love? I'm in a relationship with your mother and I'm in love with her!" he smiled.
"You're married," I chuckled, "that's different."
Am I in love? I don't know- I've never loved romantically before.
I've loved unconditionally, without explaination. That's the way I love Seth right now. Grandly. Deeply. Wholeheartedly.
But the romantic way, the way Mark's talking about? I don't know...that's a love I might have to grow into...which is the best way to grow into love, in my opinion, anyway.
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