31 December, 2010 / 1 January, 2011
Everyone writes at the end/beginning of the year. Well, everyone that writes, anyway. But because I haven't written as much as I wrote last year, I guess I just need to kind of relive all that this year was.
I remember thinking that 2009 was a fantastic year of growth and discovery. But in actuality, 2010 was an even greater year for all of those things.
It is my hope that there will never be just THAT year in which we regard as the year of growth, but rather a year that STARTED many more years of that same mentality. I think there is a year in which we become someone we were not aware that we can be, we learn to become comfortable in this new skin, and we move forward in it. And when we do that, things happen to us. Magic happens. Life becomes bigger and exciting in all sorts of ways because we see things differently.
Last year, I grew immensely into my own identity. I learned to not live my life for other people.
I did this on the Habitat for Humanity trip to New Orleans last year. Every single time I have hopped into one of the big vans to trek for hours on the highway, I have mentally gone over the list of those people I would call my family for the week. They have always been people I typically don't talk to or hang out with. They are not people that know me like my good friends know me.
And last year while I did this, I asked myself, "Why do I still sign up for these trips and hope that I will be chosen to go if I have not ever had substantial small talk with any of these people?"
Not only that, but I was choosing to go on this trip instead of staying home at Band Camp, where many people would say I should've been, because I was needed there. I felt extremely guilty for not being there. I even brought my music with me to practice and memorize.
I always find myself surprised at the seemingly stupidest things on these Habitat trips. Having Sheehan be the first person to wish me a happy birthday on the day I turned 18 really made the day start off wonderfully. Will Schnabel wished me a happy birthday every ten minutes that day, it seemed. As I started work on building a staircase, I could hear a marching band playing in the distance.
I should've been guilty, then. I know I should've thought about everyone at home, almost see them marching and see the hole in the formation where I should be. But while I thought about them, I didn't feel bad.
I learned such a lesson that day. I learned that we are never placed where we are not meant to be in this life.
If I was not supposed to be in the heavy 90-degree weather of the Deep South, building homes among a group of people I barely knew, then I would've not been chosen for this trip at all.
And New Orleans has become a place of home for me. I think about that trip so often, and I think about the littlest things. They're the things that make me happiest.
Snoballs (especially my Hurricane-flavored one). Me holding up Aubry as we got the job done. The lunches underneath the houses. The day in which the port-o-let was sucked out and cleaned. Wheelbarrows. Screws. Nails. Beignets. Bourbon Street. Mr Schoch singing "Baby Got Back" and pulling a Z-formation. Line-dancing with Jeff Gutzweiller. OmNom (I seriously think about that dog, out of the blue).
Another way in which I've grown into my own was by realizing who I treasured in my life...and how some didn't treat me as well as people could have.
I learned that I was giving a lot to someone that never gave anything in return other than a "thank you so much." I figured that if I just kept on giving and being as good of a person as I could be, then maybe I'd win his heart. I tried to put myself in his shoes and do all the things that would win ME over, if I was him.
Looking at it in retrospect, while I wouldn't call it pathetic, it's still painful. And to think that I was totally blind to it...
The old adage is true, that "love is blind." Blindness comes in many different forms, too. And while I know that this was not love by any stretch of the imagination, it was still infatuation, and it still hurts to remember how I was willing to do absolutely anything by means of a good deed in order to earn his attention.
Do he and I talk, anymore?
Yes, seldomly. It's funny how, after looking at someone a certain way for so long, something changes and you're asking yourself "Wow, what did I see there?"
And that's perfectly okay. Because it only opened up the door for someone else, someone who treats me like I should be treated without me having to try and win him over.
In 2010, I didn't "become" anything, because people never stop growing. But I certainly have blossomed into someone that is growing and living in the most positive way that she knows.
There's been some hurting (directed at me as well as being directed from me), there's been some helping, there's been some laughter as much as there's been tears.
I continue to learn how to love in all the different ways that life has to offer. I know it sounds cliche and kind of corny, but living life, for all that it is, is the best thing in the world for me. It's a no-brainer to prefer to be alive rather than dead, but being alive and soaking it all in is what makes everything fantastic.
The next 12 months are going to be stellar. Even the worst moments are going to be stellar. I just feel it.
God, am I an optimist or what?
No comments:
Post a Comment