A Fiery Buzz.

Screw it. The only way I'm going to truly work through this internally is by writing it out. So here I go.

I told my mother about St Baldricks back in July. At first, she said no. Then "no" became "a year into college."
She kept on saying, "I admire the cause...and you're brave for wanting to do it. But...please take prom and graduation into consideration. I mean, once you shave, you can't put your hair back on. I know it's selfish of me to think like this for you, but...please try and consider these things."

I have. And I am.
But what's really making me angry is that I'm actually having second thoughts.

I looked at all the pictures from prom last year. My hair was not much longer than what it is now...it was curly and bright. I won't lie - it looked beautiful. I felt beautiful that night, in all my finery.

And I'll admit it: I take pride in my hair. It makes me stand out.
Almost as much as being semi-bald will.

When I look in the mirror in the morning and late at night, I push my bangs back and try to picture myself with red fuzz. I try to calculate the shape of my head, see if I'll pull it off awesomely like Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta, or if I'll just look awkward.

And the thing is...my hair won't even be short as Natalie's had to be for that movie. I won't be "bald", necessarily...just buzzed.

For this, I'm actually not thinking too much about graduation. It's prom that's got me stumped. What could I do with not even an inch of hair to work with?

This year, I won't be going to just one prom. I'll be going to Southport's, too, roughly a month before mine. If I shave my head, I'll have to brave the questions of a couple hundred people I barely know or those that haven't seen me for seven years.

At Perry, it would be different. I'd ask them to donate some money towards the St Baldricks Foundation about a month before I'd shave my head. I'd tell them what the organization is all about, that thousands of men, women, and children shave their heads in solidarity to represent those with cancer. I'd tell them that all the money they gave me would go directly to cancer research.

I'd be doing it for everyone I know that has experienced cancer, of all types.
My grandmother.
My dad.
My friends Carrie and Julie's dad.
My mom's best friend Brian's parents.

And my hair would probably be up for high demand. I'd give some girl a chance to be a ginger, no matter if she was one before cancer or not.
I donated to Locks of Love the summer before 8th grade, and when they cut my hair they told me that my hair would make more than one wig. That was pretty sweet.

But despite all of this...I still step back and I think. This will be my last prom. And since I'll be going to two proms, it's going to be even more special.

I don't want to not go through with it. I told Andy Sturm that I'd shave with him. And his hair's getting awfully long and shiny and whatnot. It's the only reason he's growing it out at all. I don't want to let him down by saying "Let's wait until the end of May." Besides, March is the "official" time to participate in St Baldrick's events.

A week ago, I proposed the idea to Seth. I had already told him that I was going to shave my head, but after we decided to go to our proms together, I got second thoughts about shaving.

I mentioned waiting until after graduation.
He asked, "Why would you wait?"
I told him that a part of me wanted to go through with it at the right time, but that I realized that these were events that would not happen again. That once I shave, there's no going back. And besides, wouldn't he miss my hair?

He said, "Yes, I'll miss your hair. But I'll be right behind you no matter what. You don't care what others think - I admire that."

In a carefree manner, yet cutting right to the edge, I replied, "Well, thank you. If I end up shaving my head, I'll commend you for taking an almost-bald girl to prom."

And to that he replied,
"Well, hair grows back. Good memories don't."

Call me a sissy, but that made my eyes get misty. It still does.

I still want to shave my head. I just need to get over these second thoughts.
If not, I need to make a decision before January or February and stick with it.

But no matter if I shave in March or after graduation in May...
I am going to shave. And I will not be alone.

Prior to Blue Man.

October 20th? Really, almost a month since I wrote for this thing?
Holy Moses.

--

As of late, it feels like my life's being timed. Time by due dates, assignments FOR those due dates, and considering other obligations (like job hunting).
It makes me tired. I go home and fall asleep without saying goodnight.

--

I had my first college audition on November 5. I wasn't scared or anything, and I don't really know what else to say except that it went better than I thought it would go.

I thought about Mom, and how she kept on talking to me about how excited she was about me being accepted to Ball State. I didn't feel indifferent to the acceptance on purpose.
And I also heard her talk about DePauw. If they gave me a full ride, why don't I just go ahead and go there? And didn't I love it a lot when I went there sophomore year?

It's hard to explain.

Marian's my home. I remember thinking that on the very first day I went to the campus back in March. I remember feeling like I fit. I feel that way every time I go back. If it's money she's concerned about (and I don't care if it is...), then I'll live at home. I'll go home late at night and come back to school early in the morning, so it's not like I'd totally miss out on the college experience.

Do I want to live on campus? Yes, I'd rather do that, living on my own.
But hey. I'm willing to do anything in order to go to the school I want to go to.

--

Now for something completely different.

It's not karma, because it isn't biting me in the butt. But it's rather...a proverbial mirror. I'm now on the other side.

I remember every time Andy Sturm would like me but choose someone else in the end, and the hurt I would feel. The burn in my chest, the sick feeling in my stomach, the confusion buzzing around my head.
The tears. All the tears.

On November 12, I finally got to be in Andy Sturm's shoes.
At least, for this kind of situation.
And now I'd like to address one person.

--

Caleb Tucker, I know you don't want me to say that I broke your heart. But I know I did, just a little bit. And over time, if you'll allow me, I want to help you heal that crack.

We both knew that Seth was going to ask me. And we both knew that I would say yes.
But I know you still felt sad despite your preparing for this. I felt sad for you, because I've been in your shoes before.

I've been where you are right now many times.

Do I not like where I am now? Of course not. I do. I don't regret saying yes and I'm not backing down from it.

But now I realize the desparation Andy Sturm felt every time this happened between him and me.
I hear the sincerity in the plea that he used to say to me, which I am saying to you now: I can't lose you.

You are important. And I recognize that I hold a place of high importance in your life, as well. Please don't think that you're going to take a backseat just because I have a boyfriend. I'm not that kind of friend, that kind of person.

I'm still here. Just as much as I always have been, and always will be.

--

Okay. So you've gathered that November 12 was a rather happy day not just for me or Seth, but for many of our friends. It's almost comical to see everyone elated at the news. What made me smile the most, I think, was when my friend Kirst simply said "Finally."

When I visited Mom and Mark the day after, Mark said to me, "So you're in love."

I paused and looked at him quizzically, not sure if he was joking or not. "Uhm...I don't think so..."

"You're in a relationship? You're not in love? I'm in a relationship with your mother and I'm in love with her!" he smiled.

"You're married," I chuckled, "that's different."

Am I in love? I don't know- I've never loved romantically before.
I've loved unconditionally, without explaination. That's the way I love Seth right now. Grandly. Deeply. Wholeheartedly.
But the romantic way, the way Mark's talking about? I don't know...that's a love I might have to grow into...which is the best way to grow into love, in my opinion, anyway.